Nerd Rage: Jar Jar Abrams’ Star Trek: The Phantom Menace

I would never put it beyond JJ Abrams to make an entertaining film. But I’d also never expect the guy to pull off his not-a-reboot-but-obvious-reboot of the Star Trek franchise. See, Star Trek is immense. To some, this might be full fledged nerd rage. And I won’t deny it. But Star Trek is immense, and the fact that I use ‘is’ to describe a franchise that’s been chugging along for over 50 years just exemplifies the fact. So no, I don’t think JJ Abrams will do Star Trek justice, but at the very least I expect to be entertained. I hear that will happen, but at what expense?

Reviews for the forthcoming Star Trek film have started pouring in. They have been, for the most, relatively favourable. Lavish comparisons to the early Star Wars films and unanimous praise for the film’s technical achievements have been common denominators. This fucking frightens me, and if you expected nerd rage, this is where you’ll get it. See, Star Trek was never Star Wars. That was the fucking point. Star Wars survived unique to Star Trek because of it. Star Wars was the Michael Bay to Star Trek’s Stanley Kubrick. It was hammy, overproduced plotless action that survived on adrenaline. Star Trek was typically, at least in it’s television incarnation, a much headier production. Of course I’m not an idiot; I’m fully aware that the Star Trek films were undeniably not of the same philosophical weight of their source material. I realize that Wrath of Khan, for all it’s pseudo-scientific, Bible paraphrased pandering, was in the end just a popcorn flick. But it was still Star Trek. It was the Enterprise crew as I’d come to enjoy them, y’know, just fatter, older and hammier.

What frightens me about the new Star Trek is that it’s being heralded not as a reboot when it so evidently is. But why would anyone reboot arguably one of the most successful franchises ever? If you’ve seen the new Enterprise bridge, you’d probably guess iPods. That might well be the answer: I know I don’t have it. What I do have is a problem with the film’s newly outed plot device: time travel. To avoid specifics and merely touch on what is evidenced in the film’s trailers and through press releases and public knowledge hype, Star Trek is going to jump back before the Original Series and touch on the origins of Kirk, Spock et al. I’d love to see the early stuff explored. But not by JJ fucking Abrams, because as entertaining as Cloverfield was, it was still fucking stupid. Of course, this is what happens when you put a viral marketing mastermind (if I see one fucking Slusho ad in the movie I will (verb)) and a producer from the Transformers movies in charge of a franchise that traditionally touches on matters beyond it’s means.

Ultimately what bothers me is the notion that Star Trek is going to make people “forget what they know about Star Trek”. Isn’t that half of the fun? And you just know that JJ’s going to throw in as many references and little factoids as he can, just to appease aforementioned nerd rage. I’ll love that, I’m sure. But I don’t understand why he had to make it a Star Trek movie. It’s basic exploitation: he’s using the taboo of being a Trekkie to interest outsiders in what is ultimately an esoteric subculture. Of course like I said, I’m sure it won’t be without it’s share of trivia. I just don’t think it’s necessary. I don’t want to see a Star Trek movie full of overblown action. I don’t want to see Shaun of the Dead essentially parody Engineer Scotty. Star Trek has, in spite of it’s hammy origins, aged somewhat gracefully. Sure, it’s fun to laugh at; I say it’s expected. Between McCoy and his bell-bottoms, Spock and his eye-shadow and Kirk and his…everything, Star Trek begs to be ridiculed. But it survives on its characters, its drama and its overall personality. JJ Abrams is stripping that all away. And for what? To reboot a franchise that really doesn’t warrant it?

If there’s one thing we should know, it’s that people don’t often take kindly to prequels. And with that, I revisit a comparison that troubles me: are we in for another Phantom Menace? I hope not. But I do know this: JJ Abrams is one Jar Jar away from nerd rage far heavier (in girth and magnitude) than mine. I will see Star Trek. I might enjoy it. I just can’t expect to respect it. I mean seriously. If I wanted to watch a tongue-in-cheek, time travelling Star Trek film full of bad jokes and awkward action I’d watch The Voyage Home. Y’know, the one with the fucking whales.

Ugh.